By Bryan Fojtasek. September 3, 2017.
John 17:22-23 (NLT)
“I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.”
“Never Apologize, mister. It’s a sign of weakness.”
–Captain Nathan Brittles in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (Skip to 1:47).
#SorryNotSorry
“The rest of the fam got to meet Cassi! Incoming baby pictures. #SorryNotSorry.”
“Our honeymoon will revolve around Taylor Swift’s next tour. #SorryNotSorry. #TS6IsComing.”
“About to watch one of the most memorable movies and I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to stop quoting it #StayTuned #SorryNotSorry.”
The eclipse is interesting because it happens so rarely. It’s far more interesting than your kids, food, and clothes. #SorryNotSorry.
The eclipse is interesting because it happens so rarely. It’s far more interesting than your kids, food, and clothes. #SorryNotSorry.
Matthew 5:21-24 (NLT)
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone you are in 10 danger of the fires of hell. So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”
“Unresolved conflict makes unity and reconciliation impossible.”
Barriers to Apologizing
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist with a PhD in clinical psychology from New York University.
1. Threatens Self-Image. Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.
2. Leads to Shame. Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for non-apologists, it can instead open the door to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes non-apologists feel bad about their selves—who they are—which is what makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.
3. Opens the Door to Past Mistakes. While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.
4. Admits Full Blame. Non-apologists fear that by apologizing, they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other party of any culpability. If arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments.
5. Forces You to Confront Painful Emotions. By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it. They might be correct. However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case) will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.
Non-Apology Apology
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology
Examples of Non-Pologies:
- “I’m sorry if anyone was offended.”
- “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
- “Mistakes were made.”
- “I regret the pain that occurred.”
Elements of a sincere apology
Roy Lewicki is an apology expert and a professor emeritus of management and human resources at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business.
“An Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies” in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research (Volume 9, Issue 2, pages 177–196, May 2016).
“1. Acknowledgement of responsibility: This means admitting something was your fault and taking ownership over the mistake. This is in direct opposition to the notorious “mistakes were made” non-apology apology, popular among politicians and others looking to shirk legal obligation. That phrase communicates to the listener that a problem occurred, but the “apologizer” doesn’t know who did it, if there are any consequences, or how serious it is, explained Lewicki.
2. Offer of repair: This is when people promise to correct the mistake they made by explaining what they’re going to do to fix things.
3. Expression of regret: This is the actual apology, when you get to say “I’m sorry.” Interestingly, Lewicki found that this was only the third-most important thing you should say when apologizing to someone.
4. Explanation of what went wrong: It’s tough to not let this part veer off into excuses. The value of trying, says Lewicki, is that it provides an explanation that the wronged party can hopefully understand and empathize with. However, there are at least two different kinds of explanations, and they could affect the way an apology lands.
The first explanation is one of competence: Was the wrongdoing an honest mistake, something that was overlooked accidentally or something that wasn’t properly considered? Or was the wrongdoing a violation of integrity that reflects on the apologizer’s character? In other words, was it accidental or on purpose?
5. Declaration of repentance: Lewicki says that this is an opportunity to promise that you won’t let the mistake happen again.
6. Request for forgiveness: Interestingly, this is the least important element of an apology according to Lewicki’s survey research. All six elements will depend on the situation, but Lewicki suspects that this element in particular could depend most on context. Are the aggressor and wronged party emotionally connected, and are they trying to re-build a relationship? Or is the apology about a business transaction gone wrong, and thus isn’t as emotionally charged? These contextual clues could determine whether or not a request for forgiveness is truly needed.”
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-apologize-effective-apology_us_570d928ee4b03d8b7b9ec65c
Example of a Good Apology:
“Dear Mr. Jacobs,
I write to you to express my sincere apology for my conduct on the evening of May 24. My physical response to your legitimate question was unprofessional, unacceptable, and unlawful. As both a candidate for office and a public official, I should be held to a high standard in my interactions with the press and the public. My treatment of you did not meet that standard.
Notwithstanding anyone’s statements to the contrary, you did not initiate any physical contact with me, and I had no right to assault you. I am sorry for what I did and the unwanted notoriety this has created for you. I take full responsibility.
I understand the critical role that journalists and the media play in our society. Protections afforded the press through the constitution are fundamental to who we are as a nation and the way government is accountable to the people. I acknowledge that the media have an obligation to seek information. I also know that civility in our public discourse is central to a productive dialogue on issues. I had no right to respond the way I did to your legitimate question about health care policy. You were doing your job.
In hope that perhaps some good can come of these events, I am making a $50,000 contribution to the Committee to Protect Journalists, an independent non-profit organization that promotes press freedom and that protects the rights of journalists worldwide.
I made a mistake and I humbly ask for your forgiveness.
Sincerely,
Greg Gianforte.”
Source: http://www.thewrap.com/read-greg-gianfortes-full-apology-body-slamming-reporter/
Example of a Biblical Apology (Confession):
Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
“1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.”
